the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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