I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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