I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
