Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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