Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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