youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
