she looked like the before picture.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
