he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
