Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
