guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
