Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
