I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
