grandma shit on top of the toilet
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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