I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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