I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize