I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
