On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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