I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
