just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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