Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
