Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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