they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
