Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
