Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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