i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
