youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You made out with two different species that night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
