Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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