After last night, I could never be a politician.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
