Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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