Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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