I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
