Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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