highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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