I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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