Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
