last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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