I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
