there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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