guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
