he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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