you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
