My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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