Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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