he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
