I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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