I think my fart just growled at me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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