we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
