I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Panties = found
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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