I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
