Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
