That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
