im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize