The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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