My hand turned me down
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
