What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
