I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Holy shit dude........stairs
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