hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
