peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize