I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
