I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
