I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
