I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
