can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sorry about my life...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
