The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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